We’re often told to trust our instincts, to feel rather than think, to believe what we hope is what we know. But the thing about knowing, is that sometimes we just don’t. We can’t. It’s impossible to even contemplate how we could know something.
I’ve often struggled with the concept of knowing. Probably because I like to know things. I like to be told what’s going to happen, to predict, based on evidence what lies ahead, and I absolutely hate uncertainty. So to be told to trust my knowing is a really difficult concept for me. It’s like saying I would know the answer to a really difficult maths question. Sure I can work it out based on things I have been taught and what’s written in front of me, but do I know the answer? No. Not until I’ve worked it out. But what becomes even more difficult is when some of that information is hidden, and you’re told you just have to trust your instincts as to what is really there. I can’t see it. How the hell do I know what it is? There are so many possibilities. And I will work out an answer based on what I eventually believe was there. It will be the right answer for what I saw at the time but is it the right answer? Who knows. Probably not. But I’ll have to live with that answer. And that scares the shit out of me.