Most of you know I’ve been in hospital for ages now. I so suffer from very bad fluid in the legs (for those of you who know the technical term it’s called pitting oedema). Anyway one day a nurse saw it and freaked out as it can indicate some serious stuff going on. I told her it’s just what I’m like but she insisted I see the hospital GP. He was equally freaked out and sent me for an urgent heart ultrasound.
None of this bothered me as I knew it’s just the way my body was. Anyway in the waiting room I started to have a freak out. What if I heard those dreadful words again? I know logically it was impossible but I was still scared shitless that they were going to look at me with those sad eyes and tell me there was no heartbeat. My own heart, in my own body, (obviously beating or I wouldn’t be there to hear them) would have stopped bearing. Just like Michael and Lyra’s.
So here I sat freaking out like an idiot over something so impossible it made it look like the next pope might be female. Yet I was. I have heard those words in those darkened rooms too many times. It’s made my mind irrational and my fears illogical.
What I should have been worried about is was there anything wrong with my heart or would she find some kind of defect. But I didn’t care about any of those things. I was just afraid she would tell me my heart beat had stopped. She would keep scanning for a while as the news sunk and I would be broken heart yet again.
As I undressed for the scan I didn’t dare tell her what I was worried about. How stupid would have I have looked. She started the scan and there it was. My heart beating nice and strong. No defects and nothing unusual. Exactly as I had predicted. Except I never had to hear those words I thought I might.
Words could not describe the relief over such an irrational fear. And my mind still couldn’t work out how I had come to such a strange fear anyway. But that’s what life experience does to you. It’s how you’re wired. To believe the worst even though it seems impossible. But lucky for me, this time was just that an irrational fear proven wrong. As I hope many other times will be too.